Muddiest Points Ch. 8 and 9

Okay, all kidding aside... here is what you need to understand about these concepts.

regulative/ constitutive rules:

regulative rules tell us when, where and with whom to discuss a variety of information. The concern is appropriateness and social acceptance

constitutive rules tell us what counts for what and defines meaning for us. We may use slang language or shorthand with friends and speak properly to teachers, pastors, and our parents. There are also taboo topics that we will not discuss with our parents such as "partying" or other questionable behavior. If we do choose to talk with our parents about such issues, we skew the discussion to seem appropriate.

Defensive and Supportive climates: the climate is the overall feeling we have in an interaction or situation. Our communication styles can make these climates inviting and supportive or hostile and defensive.

evaluation vs. description:
We can enter a discussion with prejudgments, this would be defensive in nature and skew our interpretation.
We can fully engage and "hear the person out" before drawing conclusions and not being judgmental after hearing the details as well, this would be supportive. " I see what you mean."

certainty vs. provisionalism:
There are issues that we feel certain about and that there is only one answer or point of view. This kind of stand can appear defensive as if we are not open to any form of negotiation.
Provisionalism suggests that we are open to new ideas and altering our existing beliefs, this is supportive.

strategy vs. spontaneity
When we enter a discussion with an agenda or plan, it can seem manipulative and taking a defensive stand. I often think of "ambushing" from chapter 4 as an example.
Spontaneity suggests that we are mindful of the present discussion and figuring things out as we go. This appears supportive and not premeditated...more honest.

control vs. problem orientation
Control appears as defensive when a person feels that they must determine the result of an interaction and things must be done, "their way". I think of people who tend to handle all situations using a certain phrase: " I lead with an iron fist" which means that the person is strict and consequences are severe. This can be very defensive.
Using problem orientation would suggest that someone takes each problem independently and makes sure that the "punishment fits the crime". When they are mindful of all aspects and accepts alternate methods of resolving the issue. This is supportive.

neutrality vs. empathy
To be neutral can sometimes seem defensive. For instance if you have two friends that are arguing and you want to remain neutral by being detached and making comments such as "I don't want any part of this and I don't want to talk about it...etc." , it can be seen as defensive.
Empathy confirms a person's feelings even if we don't take a side by agreeing or disagreeing. Like; " I hate to see that you are hurt, I hope it all works out". This is supportive.

superiority vs. equality
When people come off as acting as if they are better than you in some way or another, this can seem defensive. An example may be saying; " You wouldn't understand because you weren't there or you have never been in a serious relationship or you have never won anything."
Showing equality levels the playing field and encourages comfortability. Someone may say; "I can remember a time when I failed a test and even though it is not the same, I remember the feeling" or " I know how you feel and you will get through it." This shows support.

Uniqueness helps us understand a major difference between social and personal relationships. Personal relationships are unique in that they are irreplaceable. Social relationships can change and seem more replaceable such as service jobs like restaurants and department stores where employee turnover is high. Also note that social relationships can turn into personal relationships and vice versa although not very often.

Relational dialectics: the constant struggles in a relationship that we must always deal.

Autonomy (independence) vs. connection (couplehood): the tension caused by longing for independence and still wanting to be an active and invested partner in this relationship and the struggle to juggle time to find the balance.

Novelty( newness) vs. predictability (familiar): finding the balance between finding ways to be "new" and "mysterious" to one another and the comfort of knowing eachother so well.

Openness vs. closedness: trying to determine what information to disclose and keep hidden. In addition, we think about the way this emitting and holding back will affect the relationship and our goals for the relationship. Lastly, we are always concerned with how we will appear to the other and skew our self disclosure to display us in the best lights whether it be "coming clean" or keeping secrets etc.

Self disclosure: We confirm by recognizing someone with a wave or "hello" and we acknowledge by paying attention with eye contact, nodding etc. We disconfirm by ignoring or speaking off topic showing that we are not engaged or paying attention.

Navigation is the process of maintaining a relationship as it undergoes changes. A basic example would be adjusting schedules of togetherness when a partner gets a new job and their schedule changes. Navigation usually applies to intimacy in the relationship and how each member gets to know one another and develops levels of comfort to discuss and interact romantic and intimate content.

I hope this helps. Email me with any other questions...Good Luck!!